Shhhhhhhhh – #13

“Listen to your body”. Every doctor I have seen has in one way or another told me how important it is to “Listen to your body”. Almost every book I have read about MS or other self help related topics stress, “Listen to your body”.

I would agree that this is important. There is only one problem. Now that I have started to “Listen to my body”, my body never shuts up! I am not talking about my busy mind that never quiets. That is a whole other blog entry. I am talking about my noisy body. I am sure it has always been loud, but until I started to listen, it wasn’t a problem. Now, I can’t stop listening. I try, believe me, I try. My body yells…”I’m exhausted! My legs are weak! My fingers are cold! My arm is tingling! I’m hungry! I’m full! I’m sleepy!” among other things.

Because I know too much about MS, I have become hyper sensitive to my imperfections that may or may not be MS related. Maybe ignorance is bliss? Maybe this is why some doctors don’t tell patients when they suspect MS? If I didn’t know that I had MS would I feel exhausted this morning (after doing absolutely nothing)? If I didn’t know that I had MS would I be concerned that my fingertips on my right hand are a bit numb? If I didn’t know that I had MS would my cold hands and feet worry me in the middle of the night? All of these things happened before I knew and because I wasn’t listening, I didn’t hear. I knew they were happening but not knowing made it so much easier to ignore.

So, do I wish I didn’t know? I am glad I didn’t know until this summer. Had I known ten years ago the course of my disease would be much different. I did not have the peace of mind, security and loving husband that I do now. I was not ready emotionally or financially ten years ago. My parents were far away ten years ago. We were always close by with a phone call but having them around the corner has been a bigger blessing then I imagined.

I would have done the best I could ten years ago but did not have the peace of mind to use the the resources available around and in me to get better. I was diagnosed in early July. On September 2nd, I wrote this in my journal “Once again, it is time to get great. I have all the tools…a stable mind, great husband, wonderful daughter, supportive family, good job, cute dog, sweet cats, beautiful home and a new disease. I have known that I have had MS for two months. I am getting used to the idea but it still feels very surreal. This summer I have been sicker from the Rebif than the MS and not very motivated to get my life back on track. That being said, having a stable, settled, low weight, debt free happy life will keep my MS at bay. So here goes! I will be better, feel better, give more and love more”

Now, it is more than two months later. I have dropped weight and debt and added love and thanks. I am learning to quiet my mind, and with time, my body will follow.

I’m glad I know now.


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